Living as a light.

Today I woke up early, partly due to a dream I had where everything in my life changed. The things I had given my time, energy and passions to had been quickly taken away and I was left without direction. This dream was just surfacing a lot of the recent anguish I had been feeling concerning work.
I have heard many times we work to live not live to work. But as a believer who is called to ministry 'as I go' work easily becomes the reason of at least part of my existence. On Friday I found out that the security of my job wasn't a solid rock but rather could be changed by the externalities of students whims. Ok we can deal with that, because at least my time has been effective. Then I find out information about various employees and realize, 'I'm no light!' I'm barely an occasional flicker......
At this point I'm disenchanted. If I'm not a light and work won't last forever what do I do?
Stay faithful, but don't stay the same.
This last week I have been challenged to look at life and work differently - from situations separate from the ones I mentioned. If you ask my husband, I am pretty stubborn and fairly convinced I have it all figured out - prideful. Why do I need the Bible to direct me as I have already ready through it a few times? Well we all know pride comes before the fall.
How do I be the light?
Colossians is a fascinating book that quickly beckons the Church to learn it live in the world without being like the world. Rather being its best members in areas of character. What really struck me was 4:5

'Conduct yourself with wisdom towards outsiders as to make the most of every opportunity. Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person. ' God grant me wisdom, let every word I say reflect You or Your character. So I truly make ethe most of every opportunity You grant me. Help me to hear Your voice in the midst of the chaos, in the midst of my pride help me to submit to You. As you make the wisdom of this world as to foolishness. For you are outside of time, outside of me and yet dwelling ever with me. Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.

Thoughts from aloneness

Well my love and daughter are in Southern Illinois with my inlaws. Leaving me alone (well as alone as one can be in a house of 10 people), to get through three nigh nights and three days of work.

Thus far I know I am far more mature now than I ever was in my teens. (Surprise again!) But really I can be alone in a room - which hasn't occurred in over 4 years.

God did not leave me alone for as I laid in bed last night He comforted me with a peaceful night and a Scripture of dependency before I fell asleep.

There are so many parts of this chapter that reflect my soul to God. Yet I could not utter them last night for they were not yet acknowledged in my head. As a person who reflects her faith in others, I will hide these reflections in my heart so I may not throw pearls before swine and desecrate the sacred things given to me. I am not alone - and I as been a believer for 14 years, following the Lord steadily for over a decade - I think I may just be beginning to awaken to this realization. My dependence on God has waned over the last 5 years - because frankly I did not feel I needed Him. My love, my Phil fulfilled all want, desire, ache, need; he is my better half - all that I need and more. But perhaps he is not as perfect as I feel in my heart as I have lost the ability to discern between him and God... A strange prospect but not unexpected coming from such an obsessive personality as myself. But still.... Lord could you be shaking me? Poking at me? Reminding me of the frailty of my superman, so I love you more? Is that why I am ever angry with him, because he is not You? Lord I have read your stories woven through time. You leave footprints everywhere you go, whether in a book or in the sky there You are. Seeming so much more real in a fantasy than I find in reality. I am constantly in waiting - doubting me and doubting You. Fearful that I lack the strength or even ability to love You as my soul so desperately wants. Desperately and horrible afraid that You aren't the depth of love that I have sensed, that You will not be enough to fulfill the deepest cravings - that if I trust in You and You alone I will be left short knowing that even the I Am couldn't fulfill my heart. Thus I have put my trust in man - knowing they will fall short but that is both my curse and salvation for I am impenetrable by disappoint. Oh Lord leave me not in this ruin for it is deep and unkind. As fiction lies before me more real than I have ever felt, Lord please do not abandon me. Forgive the iniquity of my youth, the folly of my flesh, the pride of my innerman. Please Lord I can not make it without You because my heart might fail as disappointment has taken its toll. Make Yourself real to me. I want to taste You, to know You, to have seen Your face in all certainty - that no devil, no attack, no dream can steal from me. Oh Lord I will trust in your faithfulness. I love you.

Psalm 25

Dependence on the LORD

Davidic.

¹ LORD, ^[a] I turn my hope to You. ^{(A) [b]}

² My God, I trust in You.
Do not let me be disgraced; ^(B)
do not let my enemies gloat over me. ^(C)

³ Not one person who waits for You
will be disgraced; ^(D)
those who act treacherously without cause
will be disgraced. ^(E)

⁴ Make Your ways known to me, LORD;
teach me Your paths. ^(F)

⁵ Guide me in Your truth and teach me, ^(G)
for You are the God of my salvation; ^(H)
I wait for You all day long. ^(I)

⁶ Remember, LORD, Your compassion
and Your faithful love,
for they [have existed] from antiquity. ^{(J) [c]}

⁷ Do not remember the sins of my youth ^(K)
or my acts of rebellion; ^(L)
in keeping with Your faithful love, remember me
because of Your goodness, LORD. ^(M)

⁸ The LORD is good and upright; ^(N)
therefore He shows sinners the way. ^(O)

⁹ He leads the humble in what is right ^(P)
and teaches them His way. ^(Q)

¹⁰ All the LORD's ways [show] faithful love and truth
to those who keep His covenant and decrees. ^(R)

¹¹ Because of Your name, LORD,
forgive my sin, for it is great. ^(S)

¹² Who is the person who fears the LORD? ^(T)
He will show him the way he should choose. ^(U)

¹³ He will live a good life,
and his descendants will inherit the land. ^{(V) [d]}

¹⁴ The secret counsel of the LORD
is for those who fear Him,
and He reveals His covenant to them. ^(W)

¹⁵ My eyes are always on the LORD,
for He will pull my feet out of the net. ^(X)

¹⁶ Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am alone and afflicted. ^(Y)

¹⁷ The distresses of my heart increase; ^{(Z) [e]}
bring me out of my sufferings. ^(AA)

¹⁸ Consider my affliction and trouble, ^(AB)
and take away all my sins. ^(AC)

¹⁹ Consider my enemies; they are numerous, ^(AD)
and they hate me violently. ^(AE)

²⁰ Guard me and deliver me; ^(AF)
do not let me be put to shame,
for I take refuge in You. ^(AG)

²¹ May integrity and uprightness keep me,
for I wait for You. ^(AH)

²² God, Redeem Israel, from all its distresses.

Journal

I am required to do 16 Journal entries per exam (3 exams) for my Spiritual Formation and Disciple Christian Education Class. So I figured what better way to reflect than to incorporate it into my blog. Blessings.

1/25/11

Psalm 6:6 "I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears."

This was the reading for my new daily reading plan, courtesy of YouVersion and the Life Application 1 Year Devotional. I read it this evening, yet it expressed what I felt this morning. While driving to work I was praying aloud, asking Jesus questions like He was in the seat next in me - seeking His truth in the midst of the darkness. Having been a believer for my entire life, there are times where I wake up from the Christianity that I have walked in and realized that I can't remember the last time I heard His voice. Yet it is only through His voice that I was first called from the darkness, and yet I have lived fine without it. As believer I can express my heart like David did in the Psalms, but the challenge is to get up and trust that His voice is speaking and as long as I'm listening I can faith that I will not be left in my tears. This is part of the glorious salvation story we are to share with the world.

Changes in the Seasons

It has changed....

Phillip and I are no longer "Lee" undergrads pursuing a degree in Inter-cultural Studies. We are officially CAPS "online" students pursuing a Christian Studies degree with a focus in Bible, Theology, Christian Leadership and Inter-cultural Studies. We are planning/hoping to go to the Pentecostal Theological Seminary afterwards in order to get our Masters.

Just like that its all changed....

We thought about, we talked about it, we prayed about it, and then on Tuesday the paperwork was filled out, Wednesday we told Dr. Moodley, Thursday we told our bosses and as of Friday our status in the Lee System says "CAPS". Everyone has said it fits us, its good. I know it is.

But I don't want to change....

• I am not "normal", in the sense of your "typical" 21 yr old American female in college. I am poor, yet I never lack for food. I am young, yet I am a mother and a wife. I have no local friends, yet my house is constantly full of fellowship and laughter. I am mature intellectually, and now God has called me to grow up emotionally and spiritually.
• We tried to be "normal", and we were supposed to be for a season, but now that season has ended. Its so strange it has been the "easiest" transition I have ever experienced. There was no one saying "Hey, you shouldn't do that" or "What are you thinking". In fact almost everyone has said, "This seems to fit you better", "You have my blessing," or "We'll miss you but it will be better for your family".
• I guess its just strange for me because so often I felt like a 'rebel' of sorts when changing our direction, so its weirding me out that I don't have to do that this time.
• I guess my biggest is fear is that I'll be alone or rather that we won't be wanted. That now that people don't have to see us, no one will want too. Now I know this won't be the case with everyone, my family is here and I am soo blessed by their friendship, direction, and assistance with Addie. Also I have no doubt a couple of our professors will always love to see us and will ask us to keep them up to date. If you know me I don't "do" alone, and am an social-life vampire. I gain energy and focus exponentially by relationships, so alone makes me wither. Also its just weird knowing we are leaving and yet we are staying right here.

The purpose for the change is....

• Have you ever felt out of place? Phil and I have always felt out of place in Undergraduate work at Lee, and this last semester it has been amplified. We want to be in relationship with our professors, gaining relational knowledge or in the Hebrew, we want to gain YADA knowledge. The students at Lee are great and I have loved getting to know them, but for the most part there isn't a common ground between us. The responsibilities we each have our very different and socially we just don't connect deeply because of that. (Now please know I am not trying to make a pity case and say 'oh we are the only married with children couple that have ever felt this way in undergraduate work', that's really not why we have changed our focus.)
• Phil and I are sort of odd ducks together. He's grungy, I'm attempting to be bohemian grunge. Our feeling of missional identity is that we are all things to all people, which makes for a constant change of identity if we aren't in the ministry. We want to go to Grad school so we can gain knowledge that is engaging, challenging, and enriching. We also want to excel in our areas of studies so that we can feel like we have fulfilled the gift of intelligence God has given us. Lastly we want to go to Grad school so we can have legitimate foot-to-stand-on in Europe or wherever God may lead us.
• Phillip and I have spent the last since June of '08 focusing on us. While that is all well and good, we both have been feeling the affects of a self-centered world. Its time for us to get out of our shells (especially me) and reach out to this lost and dying world, before I lose my way and return to dust.

What does this all mean....

• Well first off it means lots and LOTS of school. As of this summer we will be taking classes all year round in order to graduate by 2012. I'll be 15 hours per 'normal' semester and 9-12 hours during the summers, and Phil will do the same with one or two semesters taking only 12 hours because he has more classes under his belt.
• Secondly it mean change in jobs. Until now we have worked under Federal Work-study which means our income doesn't count as income with state programs like Food Stamps and Medicaid. Its been a great blessing, however under CAPS we no longer qualify. However the upside is we can still work on campus, but just as Institutional Work-study, unfortunately my two current positions don't hire IWS, so that means job hunting. Phil may be able to keep his job, but if he can't his boss said she will really try to help him get another on-campus position.
• Freedom??? I think so. We are needing to get involved with ministry, but at the same time we want it to be organic, part of who we are, utilizing the gifts God has given us. Also we should have more freedom to come and go if other ministry opportunities open up (*hint, hint God...).
  
• Family time. Adelaide is growing up so fast and we want her to be part of our team, so what other way than have her do our schoolwork? lol she probably won't be too much of a help just yet, but who knows with that brilliant mind of hers. Seriously though, Phil has especially felt the burden to have Addie more centered in our lives. We miss seeing her wake up and playing around while watching Dora the Explorer. In addition to Addie, we are both big family people. Not having the ability to help them when we see a need has weighed on us incredibly at times. Not being bound to a specific area or exact daily time frame will give us the ability to help around the house, and be an active member of our families lives.

In closing....

Back to what I said about emotional and spiritual maturation. Being in the college environment hasn't really pushed me to "grow up", if you will. Often times I have felt like it gave me an excuse to revert back to a 'younger' age. In addition no one sees me as a leader so in response I can just slack off and try to "fit" in.

But the fact is....

• I'm a mom. This little Adelaide Devorah is never going away. She will look up to me for guidance about life, love and God. How can I lead her in the Way of Christ when I myself am not seeking Him daily?
• I'm a wife. In this relationship with my best friend and lover, we must balance between leading and following, trusting and pushing. I can't be a teenage soap star, who lives by her emotions of the moment and expect someone to trust me and to stay with me until we leave this earth.
• I am needing to fulfill my calling. Yes, I have no idea what that looks like anymore. A spouse and child were never in my dreams and plans of my "calling", and yet here they are. :) I always told God I wanted to be more. I have always struggled with this feeling of being called to greatness. As I look around what better opportunity to be 'great' in this disconnected, post-modern, pre-Christian, community(family?)-seeking generation than being the best mother, wife, revelation of Christ, example of love and family that they have ever seen?

I am still searching, but in the words of Paul:

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." (1 Corinthians 13:12)

Oh to be known fully, and to be aware of the fullness? The days of seeking gems in pile of dirt or the searching for diamonds in a dimly lit room - will be finished. For the gems shall be handed to us by their Maker and the room made bright by His beauty. The years of toil, will come to an end. The striving and painful search of knowledge shall be done. But it shall not be boring, because it is then the beautiful journey and dance of relationship will have just barely begun.

Shout out to Fun and Frugal

So yes it is silly to use my blog (which I haven't written in forever) to shout out to Fun and Frugal, but I want Nemo tickets! Yep, funandfrugal.com is doing a giveaway for NEMO on ICE at UTC. So check them out!

Traci

Short Thought

And so the mind wallows in a state inside itself.
Running to and fro for answers,
endlessly searching for peace and direction.

Yet the wise man sees the search
and how it is futile
for how can you answer questions
that are beyond yourself, inside yourself?

Shout Out To Fun & Frugal

Hey everyone, I'm doing a quick shout out to FunandFrugal.com. Its a great resource if you are living in Cleveland, TN. She'll guide you to this weeks deals, and show you how to take full advantage of coupons & local resources! Right now they are doing a giveaway for the Tennessee Aquarium. (Which is a blast by the way.) So check it out at funandfrugal.com!