Hope Deferred (Short)

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

Tomorrow is Father's Day. As off 11 p.m. tonight EST it was 5 a.m. in Israel. It was at 5 a.m. when a little Arab man, a father of 4, grandfather of 12+, and adoptive father of thousands, made a phone call to a father here in Cleveland TN just wish him a Happy's Father Day.

A muslim man, who has so many burdens, hated by so many, calls this Christian man across the world, just to say hello and extend his love.

Is it not right God, that the man here should instead be there extending his hand to his brother and saying Happy Father's Day? The calling implanted into a soul, not yet brought to fruition almost 3 decades later? How can hope survive when it can not see the sunlight that feeds its future?

Deferred: withheld for or until a stated time.

Do not defer my hope, Oh Lord.

Renew it every hour,

every moment I breathe in,

And as I let it out,

Remind me that I have hope.

For You will fulfill our desire,

Though this waiting is long.

I have faith enough to stand,

But great Father, forget me not.

Your chosen one, crying out.

Make clear my path,

Lay steady my feet,

Until I am brought home with You.

Lead me into the promises set before me

Soon, Oh Lord, please do hasten.

For my eyes grow dim, my voice fades,

My arms grow ever weak at my labor.

Renew Your servant once more into love.

Though I am dark, find me lovely.

My heart grows callous to the longing.

My soul embittered to the call set ahead.

My mind beckons You to take away the call.

The road is blocked,

A great giant stands before it.

Oh great Warrior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords,

Fight again for Your beloved.

I will rest in the knowledge of Your love,

but my Lord I do ask, since my frame be only human,

Defer not long my desire, Let soon my hope be fulfilled.

For unto You be the glory, the great things You have done.

Destiny

Destiny.....

I ask the question about destiny because right now our little family unit has to make a decision about our future. As we have tried to navigate the waters of decision, we have learned that it’s not only what decision we make but how we make it & what is driving that decision.

In our decision making we have wondered what about our families? There is so many things going on right now, it seems wrong to leave them but yet we can't be there for both of them neither can we base our lives on theirs.

What about our family unit? Addie is 6 months old today. The next few years of her life will shape so much about her. Is it right to take her away from family? Do we do what is best for her? What is best for her? Can her dad be home, and her mom at work? Do we make a decision based on us and pray that God will bless her and help her through our decision?

I guess as I sit down and think about it, we can't base our decision on any of these things. We can't just try to just get by every year, reevaluating our place in the world every month or two; we need a goal & road to our destiny.

Other people’s thoughts on Destiny:

“I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be."

This quote I relate to a lot. I never wanted to be a mom or even a wife, but looking at myself, truly evaluating me, I needed these things regardless of what I want/wanted. Addie's middle name is Devorah, which fits her beautifully for one of its meanings is bee & if you have been around me in the spring you know I am horribly paranoid of bees. I am horribly afraid of being a mom, because I have seen what happens to children of missionaries and I never wanted to have my heart divided. I don't want to give up my calling either.

“As for me, to love you alone, to make you happy, to do nothing which would contradict your wishes, this is my destiny and the meaning of my life
In my heart of hearts, I think of my love, my husband, my Phillip when I read this. I loved our previous plans because it meant I would do everything with him, spending every moment basking in the warmth of our love. I know things can not be the same, but that doesn't mean I can't do everything I can to make him happy. (Hmm... looking at it again, could we also apply it to our relationship with God?)

“Destiny grants us our wishes, but in its own way, in order to give us something beyond our wishes.”
This quote sounds awfully close to what most youth focus groups tell us when we are growing up. "You will be great." "You are not afraid of being less or weak, but rather that you are powerful and great." "Your destiny is beyond your wildest dreams." All these sayings I have heard a thousand times and I find them a croc. How can you say that I will get beyond my wishes when even my wishes and deepest desires are beyond my reach? Maybe it means we will get something better than we wanted but not more. I don't know.

“Every man has his own destiny: the only imperative is to follow it, to accept it, no matter where it leads him.”
This quote makes me wonder, are we afraid of leaving all our families for what we are meant to do? Right now I say, maybe. Outside of this situation, I hope we follow God's path and His destiny regardless of where it leads. It is just hard. When you feel you know what you were made for, it is hard to let it go because what will happen to you if you never get it back? What if to accept my destiny is to settle for less than I want, less than I need? I am a conflicted soul when it comes to this. When I am in the arms of my love, holding the newest member of our family I know that no matter where God leads, as long as we are where God wants, I will be happy. At the same time I have this thing in the back of my head, pushing me to question, longing for what can/may never be, prompting me to be discontented.

“I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve”
Hmmm.... I would have to agree. The times I am happiest is when I have found my place to serve and help others around me. Whether it is leading worship, or cleaning a church; training others to lead or sitting in a classroom trying to help little children listen to their teacher it is in serving we find our joy.

“How do geese know when to fly to the sun? Who tells them the seasons? How do we, humans know when it is time to move on? As with the migrant birds, so surely with us, there is a voice within if only we would listen to it, that tells us certainly when to go forth into the unknown.”
I question greatly our place, our destiny our purpose. What if we miss the voice telling us to walk into the unknown? Or perhaps, we have heard the voice but the unknown isn't the wild jungle but rather the walls of a school or the tediousness of a job? Perhaps the unknown isn't always as mysterious and romantic as we would wish, sometimes the unknown is just an uncomfortable place in order to grow us and push us to the next stage of life.

Back to my initial observation; it is not just the decision we make, but how we make it and why we make it. Our destiny is so much more than trying to figure out the here and now, we have to look beyond this minute and see where will this take us? Where do we even want to be a year or a decade from now? What has God created us for? If we just make a decision based on what is the most practical right now, we may miss out the long term plan that God intended for us.

Well my daughter is crying to be fed and put down for a nap. I still don't know anything except for this. We must make decisions about our family unit and where God wants us to be in the future. We can decided that right now we must put that aside for the sake of our families, but we must keep our goal & purpose in the forefront in our minds otherwise we may look back at the end of our life realizing we never did anything at all.

Here are the quotes about destiny.

“I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be.”

Douglas Adams quotes (British comic Writer, 1952-2001) “As for me, to love you alone, to make you happy, to do nothing which would contradict your wishes, this is my destiny and the meaning of my life” Napoleon Bonaparte quotes (French General, Politician and Emperor (1804-14). 1769-1821) “Destiny grants us our wishes, but in its own way, in order to give us something beyond our wishes.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe quotes (German Playwright, Poet, Novelist and Dramatist. 1749-1832) “Every man has his own destiny: the only imperative is to follow it, to accept it, no matter where it leads him.” Henry Miller quotes (American Author and Writer, 1891-1980) “I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve” Albert Schweitzer quotes (German medical Missionary, Theologian, Musician and Philosopher. 1952 Nobel Peace Prize, 1875-1965) “How do geese know when to fly to the sun? Who tells them the seasons? How do we, humans know when it is time to move on? As with the migrant birds, so surely with us, there is a voice within if only we would listen to it, that tells us certainly when to go forth into the unknown.” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross quotes (Swiss-American psychiatrist and author )

Contemplating The Meaning Of Universe or Chocolate.

So I am not exactly sure why I named my blog as I did, but heck. Also I'm not positive why I am writing. Maybe it is to get attention (we all need it regardless of what we say) or maybe it is because I am bored. Either way I write.

Phil and I are currently trying to make a decision about what we are doing in the future. I don't know, it sounds so clean and easy on paper. In reality it is a messy web of emotion, desire, responsibility, money, family and God. What we want isn't necessarily possible. What we wanted may not be what we want now. Where we are headed could possibly be the worse decision we have made to date. Who knows?

My Christianity has always been one of signs, prophetic words, living changing scripture verses, but lately it has been one of a quite breeze, where you are unsure whether you heard a voice or not. You can't wait forever so you must face your path and make a decision regardless of the wind.

Really life hasn't been as bad as my melodramatic self makes it out to be. But it has been different; different from what I ever planned on it being.

I never intended to be living in my parent’s basement at the age of 20, married with a little daughter and only one semester of school under my belt. I love being married and I love having Addie around, but I just don't think I ever had the thought that one day I would be a mom or wife. I wanted to be an adventurer. Go to college and then disappear forever into a far off jungle, and a decade after my death books would be written about my work in changing third world nations for God.

But now, I'm not so sure of the jungle. It could leave my husband dead, my baby mentally challenged or my marriage in pieces.

I'm not so sure about motherhood, but alas that is an occupation that I can't quit, it is there forever just like my position of spouse.

I know in my heart that this position and occupation is God's will for me, but I would have liked a little heads up back when I was 12 and deciding my hearts direction. But really, would I have listened? Not likely. I hated guys, and I had fantasies about getting pregnant and then giving my daughter to my parents to raise as I pursued my career in politics in DC, never for my daughter to be the wiser.

I want to be everything I ever thought I would be, but I would have to live a dozen lifetimes for that to happen. However, there is one thing I have to have. Belonging.

For years in my early teens, I cried out to God begging for the war in my soul to be won and for all to be at peace. I desired to take my life, just to make the pain stop. But I always told myself, you will okay someday. I realize now I should have said, I will be great someday, because I have okay, and I hated it. Okay just means an average state of existence and I didn't go through trials and tribulations to like okay, I was meant for more. To live magnificently in this life on earth that I have been destined to live. So regardless of what I do or where I go, (though I would prefer some foreign land & have people across the globe know my name) I just need to know, right here, right now this is what I made for, if I die today all would be well, for I am living where I was created to be. Just knowing I am where I belong, that is all I want.

With that in mind, isn't that what all of us? Purpose, direction, family, fame, love, all of those seem to melt into the idea that we belong.

Conversation

Conversation....

It is a fascinating thing. Sometimes a conversation can make you angry; it can make you full of undying rage; or pain that feels like there is no solution. Sometimes a conversation makes physical ailments melt away; your broken heart mended; or your tears dried & direction found. 

For me, I find myself in conversations. 

Somehow the words that I can't quite untangle into a coheriant thought, through the power of conversation and relationships, it becomes a beautiful butterfly of understanding. 

I'd love to ramble on and on about the beautiful reality of conversation. But alas it is almost midnight and I am getting up early to go to the Saint Louis Zoo. I shall expound on this subject later.

goodnight for now