So I am not exactly sure why I named my blog as I did, but heck. Also I'm not positive why I am writing. Maybe it is to get attention (we all need it regardless of what we say) or maybe it is because I am bored. Either way I write.
Phil and I are currently trying to make a decision about what we are doing in the future. I don't know, it sounds so clean and easy on paper. In reality it is a messy web of emotion, desire, responsibility, money, family and God. What we want isn't necessarily possible. What we wanted may not be what we want now. Where we are headed could possibly be the worse decision we have made to date. Who knows?
My Christianity has always been one of signs, prophetic words, living changing scripture verses, but lately it has been one of a quite breeze, where you are unsure whether you heard a voice or not. You can't wait forever so you must face your path and make a decision regardless of the wind.
Really life hasn't been as bad as my melodramatic self makes it out to be. But it has been different; different from what I ever planned on it being.
I never intended to be living in my parent’s basement at the age of 20, married with a little daughter and only one semester of school under my belt. I love being married and I love having Addie around, but I just don't think I ever had the thought that one day I would be a mom or wife. I wanted to be an adventurer. Go to college and then disappear forever into a far off jungle, and a decade after my death books would be written about my work in changing third world nations for God.
But now, I'm not so sure of the jungle. It could leave my husband dead, my baby mentally challenged or my marriage in pieces.
I'm not so sure about motherhood, but alas that is an occupation that I can't quit, it is there forever just like my position of spouse.
I know in my heart that this position and occupation is God's will for me, but I would have liked a little heads up back when I was 12 and deciding my hearts direction. But really, would I have listened? Not likely. I hated guys, and I had fantasies about getting pregnant and then giving my daughter to my parents to raise as I pursued my career in politics in DC, never for my daughter to be the wiser.
I want to be everything I ever thought I would be, but I would have to live a dozen lifetimes for that to happen. However, there is one thing I have to have. Belonging.
For years in my early teens, I cried out to God begging for the war in my soul to be won and for all to be at peace. I desired to take my life, just to make the pain stop. But I always told myself, you will okay someday. I realize now I should have said, I will be great someday, because I have okay, and I hated it. Okay just means an average state of existence and I didn't go through trials and tribulations to like okay, I was meant for more. To live magnificently in this life on earth that I have been destined to live. So regardless of what I do or where I go, (though I would prefer some foreign land & have people across the globe know my name) I just need to know, right here, right now this is what I made for, if I die today all would be well, for I am living where I was created to be. Just knowing I am where I belong, that is all I want.
With that in mind, isn't that what all of us? Purpose, direction, family, fame, love, all of those seem to melt into the idea that we belong.
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