Thoughts from aloneness

Well my love and daughter are in Southern Illinois with my inlaws. Leaving me alone (well as alone as one can be in a house of 10 people), to get through three nigh nights and three days of work.

Thus far I know I am far more mature now than I ever was in my teens. (Surprise again!) But really I can be alone in a room - which hasn't occurred in over 4 years.

God did not leave me alone for as I laid in bed last night He comforted me with a peaceful night and a Scripture of dependency before I fell asleep.

There are so many parts of this chapter that reflect my soul to God. Yet I could not utter them last night for they were not yet acknowledged in my head. As a person who reflects her faith in others, I will hide these reflections in my heart so I may not throw pearls before swine and desecrate the sacred things given to me. I am not alone - and I as been a believer for 14 years, following the Lord steadily for over a decade - I think I may just be beginning to awaken to this realization. My dependence on God has waned over the last 5 years - because frankly I did not feel I needed Him. My love, my Phil fulfilled all want, desire, ache, need; he is my better half - all that I need and more. But perhaps he is not as perfect as I feel in my heart as I have lost the ability to discern between him and God... A strange prospect but not unexpected coming from such an obsessive personality as myself. But still.... Lord could you be shaking me? Poking at me? Reminding me of the frailty of my superman, so I love you more? Is that why I am ever angry with him, because he is not You? Lord I have read your stories woven through time. You leave footprints everywhere you go, whether in a book or in the sky there You are. Seeming so much more real in a fantasy than I find in reality. I am constantly in waiting - doubting me and doubting You. Fearful that I lack the strength or even ability to love You as my soul so desperately wants. Desperately and horrible afraid that You aren't the depth of love that I have sensed, that You will not be enough to fulfill the deepest cravings - that if I trust in You and You alone I will be left short knowing that even the I Am couldn't fulfill my heart. Thus I have put my trust in man - knowing they will fall short but that is both my curse and salvation for I am impenetrable by disappoint. Oh Lord leave me not in this ruin for it is deep and unkind. As fiction lies before me more real than I have ever felt, Lord please do not abandon me. Forgive the iniquity of my youth, the folly of my flesh, the pride of my innerman. Please Lord I can not make it without You because my heart might fail as disappointment has taken its toll. Make Yourself real to me. I want to taste You, to know You, to have seen Your face in all certainty - that no devil, no attack, no dream can steal from me. Oh Lord I will trust in your faithfulness. I love you.

Psalm 25

Dependence on the LORD

Davidic.

¹ LORD, ^[a] I turn my hope to You. ^{(A) [b]}

² My God, I trust in You.
Do not let me be disgraced; ^(B)
do not let my enemies gloat over me. ^(C)

³ Not one person who waits for You
will be disgraced; ^(D)
those who act treacherously without cause
will be disgraced. ^(E)

⁴ Make Your ways known to me, LORD;
teach me Your paths. ^(F)

⁵ Guide me in Your truth and teach me, ^(G)
for You are the God of my salvation; ^(H)
I wait for You all day long. ^(I)

⁶ Remember, LORD, Your compassion
and Your faithful love,
for they [have existed] from antiquity. ^{(J) [c]}

⁷ Do not remember the sins of my youth ^(K)
or my acts of rebellion; ^(L)
in keeping with Your faithful love, remember me
because of Your goodness, LORD. ^(M)

⁸ The LORD is good and upright; ^(N)
therefore He shows sinners the way. ^(O)

⁹ He leads the humble in what is right ^(P)
and teaches them His way. ^(Q)

¹⁰ All the LORD's ways [show] faithful love and truth
to those who keep His covenant and decrees. ^(R)

¹¹ Because of Your name, LORD,
forgive my sin, for it is great. ^(S)

¹² Who is the person who fears the LORD? ^(T)
He will show him the way he should choose. ^(U)

¹³ He will live a good life,
and his descendants will inherit the land. ^{(V) [d]}

¹⁴ The secret counsel of the LORD
is for those who fear Him,
and He reveals His covenant to them. ^(W)

¹⁵ My eyes are always on the LORD,
for He will pull my feet out of the net. ^(X)

¹⁶ Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am alone and afflicted. ^(Y)

¹⁷ The distresses of my heart increase; ^{(Z) [e]}
bring me out of my sufferings. ^(AA)

¹⁸ Consider my affliction and trouble, ^(AB)
and take away all my sins. ^(AC)

¹⁹ Consider my enemies; they are numerous, ^(AD)
and they hate me violently. ^(AE)

²⁰ Guard me and deliver me; ^(AF)
do not let me be put to shame,
for I take refuge in You. ^(AG)

²¹ May integrity and uprightness keep me,
for I wait for You. ^(AH)

²² God, Redeem Israel, from all its distresses.